1. In addition to killing whites, the terrorists killed blacks, Latinos and Asians, reflecting the wonderful diversity of the United States. This diversity gives us strength.
2. The killers “had gone down the dark path of radicalization, embracing a perverted interpretation of Islam that calls for war against America and the West.” Even though Farook memorized the Koran and I am an apostate who never opened the Koran since I was a little kid growing up in Indonesia, I know better than him what the true meaning if Islam is.
3. I killed Osama bin Laden, something that Bush was never able to do.
4. I admit that Fort Hood, Chattanooga, the Bostom Marathon and San Bernardino were terrorist attacks.
5. Everyone else calls them ISIS, but frankly I’m a lot smarter than everyone else. That’s why I call them ISIL.
6. My policies have been perfect for the last seven years. Thus we don’t need to change anything we are doing. Perfect policies, remember?
7. But let me tell you about how much that Bush guy screwed up. He invaded Iraq and by doing so, not only did he set up the circumstances whereby ISIS was created, he also got thousands of troops killed. No way am I going to make his mistake and send more ground troops to the Middle East. No way, Jose.
8. I’m not going to talk about immigration in my speech because the stupid redneck white xtian people are xenophic and evil, like little Hitlers. But we are not going to change anything about our immigration policy either. We will continue to allow people from problem Islamic countries such as Saudi Arabia and Pakistan to move here. And in fact, after this speech ends, I’m going to go back to trying to get Congress to admit even more Syrian refuges.
9. But one thing we do need to change is that we need more gun control. I know that those stupid redneck white xtian people really love their guns, but it’s insane that someone on a terrorism watch list can just go to a store and buy a semi-automatic assault rifle with a huge clip full of bullets.