Lion of the Blogosphere

What are houris like?

A commenter asked this important question.

According to the Holy Qur’an, which Muslims believe to contain the unaltered and direct words of Allah (there truly is no mainstream version of Islam that believes the Holy Qur’an shouldn’t be taken literally), the houris are beautiful females with wide lovely eyes, like preserved pearls. They are virgin-pure and undefiled. And modest.

According to the Hadith Al-Tirmidhi, Sunan Vol. II, (remember that the Hadith is a reliable and trustworthy source but not the unaltered and direct words of Allah), “A houri is a most beautiful young woman with a transparent body. The marrow of her bones is visible like the interior lines of pearls and rubies. She looks like red wine in a white glass. She is of white color, and free from the routine physical disabilities of an ordinary woman such as menstruation, menopause, urinal and offal discharge, child bearing and the related pollution. A houri is a girl of tender age, having large breasts which are round (pointed), and not inclined to dangle. Houris dwell in palaces of splendid surroundings”

If anything in that paragraph sounds weird, then don’t take it literally, rather take it to mean that the houris are incredibly sexy and awesome and having sex with one would give a man an intense orgasm way better than any he ever had on Earth.

Hope that helps.

If anyone says the Muslims don’t take this seriously, they are dead wrong. Also don’t believe any morons who say that the Muslims are confusing houris with raisins. It’s pretty obvious that they aren’t raisins.

* * *

This probably violates Sharia law, but a reader provided a photo of what houri might look like:

Written by Lion of the Blogosphere

January 3, 2020 at 4:29 PM

Posted in Religion

32 Responses

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  1. Who would want to have sex with a girl with translucent skin, complete with visible marrow and blood vessels? It would be like sleeping with one of those telepathic mutants from Beneath the Planet of the Apes.

    Oswald Spengler

    January 3, 2020 at 4:45 PM

    • Don’t take that literally then. The essence of it is that houris are way more awesome sexbots than human women.

      Lion of the Blogosphere

      January 3, 2020 at 5:02 PM

      • Houris refer to white grapes; it’s a Christian conception of paradise. The later interpreters of the Koran didn’t understand the reference (being in Syrian-Aramaic) and projected their own views onto the word. For more background read Christoph Luxenberg, Gerd Puin, Karl Heinz Ohlig (and many others).

        steve

        January 3, 2020 at 9:59 PM

    • Or like fucking a life-size Visible Woman

      njguy73

      January 3, 2020 at 7:12 PM

    • Or like Sally Impossible on The Venture Bros.:

      Feeling Alive | The Venture Bros. | Adult Swim

      MEH 0910

      January 3, 2020 at 10:06 PM

    • “Who would want to have sex with a girl with translucent skin, complete with visible marrow and blood vessels?”

      blue blood
      “Translation of Spanish sangre azul : sangre, blood + azul, blue (probably from the visible veins of fair-complexioned aristocrats).”

      SlushFundPuppie

      January 3, 2020 at 11:39 PM

    • All Kinds of Uncomfortable | The Venture Bros. | Adult Swim

      MEH 0910

      January 4, 2020 at 12:31 AM

  2. Ok, think USC cheer squad.

    Curle

    January 3, 2020 at 5:00 PM

    • The main difference is that these cheerleaders have lost virginity long time ago, while houris never loose virginity, even after sex.

      My 2¢

      January 3, 2020 at 5:56 PM

    • I can tell that pic is post-1995. In the ‘70’s and ‘80’s the first chick wouldn’t have made the squad.

      Marty

      January 3, 2020 at 6:02 PM

      • What’s wrong with the first chick? She is hotter than the others.

        B.T.D.T.

        January 4, 2020 at 8:07 AM

    • Speaking of USC, their team is USC Trojans. Very apt. Some of these cheerleaders have seen more d***k than entire Trojan (the condom brand) in circulation.

      mpt

      January 3, 2020 at 9:41 PM

    • I don’t find these shiksa-goddess types particularly attractive. The one in the middle is cute, in that girl-next-door manner, but some of the others look like they were carved out of wax.

      Anyway, not my thing, though I’m sure they would have said the same about me, even when I was their age.

      ice hole

      January 5, 2020 at 12:14 PM

  3. Given the vivid description provided in quotes above, some energetic entrepreneur should be turning this into a movie somewhere in the San Fernando valley.

    Roli

    January 3, 2020 at 5:33 PM

    • Why movie? Import live houris from Iran.

      My 2¢

      January 3, 2020 at 5:59 PM

  4. Al-Tirmidhi was an Islamic scholar that hailed from the same region as the buddies of Yakov from Bukhara, just adjacent from his city of origin. Given today’s demographics in that region, Eastern Asiatics aren’t chasing Caucasoid women, because they out bred them.

    Ok, what, who's this again?

    January 3, 2020 at 5:54 PM

  5. I’m surprised no motivational speakers have peddled a book or course based on the houri titled “Mohammed on Employee Motivation” in the style of “Patton on Leadership.” Maybe they have.

    Curle

    January 3, 2020 at 6:02 PM

  6. For some reason when I read this blog the description of houris makes me think of one of the teenage girl sidekicks from a Heinlein juvenile novel, who might have been played in the movie adaptation by a pop star female vocalist from a 1980s band.

    Panther of the Blogocube

    January 3, 2020 at 6:27 PM

  7. I’m transparant enough that when I was a child in a swimming lesson an Asian kid laughed at the fact that he could see the veins near my shoulder. Come to think of it, I guess that was racial abuse!

    I suppose at some point some Arab men must have seen some white slaves and their whiteness must have been a big turn on for those dirty-brown Arab men. So Mohammad just ran with the idea, and like he often does, exaggerates, on this occasion in the belief that if a bit of whiteness will motivate his followers, then absolute, translucent whiteness will have his followers salivating for martyrdom; falling over themselves to die for him. And so you have this idea about being able to see their bone marrow, Weird, but then he understood the pschology of Arab men better than we do, and given the explosive growth of Islam in its early years, he must have been right. It presents a rather seedy and unpleasant view of the prophet and his followers; doling out graphic descriptions of breasts and vaginas to his sweaty, smelly, lascivious,rapey, priapic, Arab followers. Don’t worry lads, there’ll be plenty of white pussy in heaven! Some religion.

    What I find interesting about the Houri is that Wiki says of Shia Muslims-“To Shi’ite scholars, the most important fact of the description of the houris is that good deeds performed by believers are recompensated by the houris, which are the physical manifestations of ideal forms, that would not fade away over time, and who will serve as faithful companions to those they accompany”

    Given that Shia Muslims were Persian and a little more sophisticated than Arabs, I wonder if this was their attempt at trying to turn the Houri into something a little less embarassing and carnal, and a little more spiritual and high-minded. You have to feel sorry for the Persians, being conquered by such primitive, bestial people, and having little choice but to try and make the best of it.

    I notice that Sunni scholars also say that the Houri will be “”hairless except the eyebrows and the head” so there’s at least one LOTB reader that would be a very disappointed Jihadi martyr. But given this is Islam, I imagine that if you instructed your Houri to grow some pubic hair it would just start magically sprouting. But you’d have to remember to shout ‘stop’ otherwise the hair will just keep growing and then your Houri will just be a bog-standard Arab woman which you could just have swapped a couple of goats with your neighbour to acquire down at the local bazaar.

    prolier than thou

    January 3, 2020 at 7:48 PM

    • Apparently, Genghis Khan and the Mongols viewed Muslims as a higher caste than the Chinese as he consolidated his empire that spanned many different cultures..

      Ok, what, who's this again?

      January 3, 2020 at 11:25 PM

  8. That picture is wrong, because those cheerleaders are still read women with all their flaws. The Houris sound like perfect 2D anime girls.

    ack-acking

    January 3, 2020 at 9:39 PM

  9. That is just so weird. It is reminiscent of the Song of Songs, but it is way weirder and really objectifies rather than glorifies feminine beauty or virtue.

    Alice

    January 3, 2020 at 10:00 PM

    • You are confused. A cursory Google search reports that objectification of women comes together with glorification of whiteness.

      My 2¢

      January 4, 2020 at 1:23 AM

  10. Well they certainly look wonderful.

    Aavi Uchiha

    January 4, 2020 at 3:21 AM

  11. For Islam, the terrestrial women who go to paradise are above HuRis. Scholars say there is the same difference between them as between the top (for terrestrial) and the bottom of a carpet. So HuRis are a sort of perfect sex slaves … that’s were you see the think is invented by middle age nomadic people in Arabian peninsula. Maybe the Jews has they invented Christianity invented Islam too because it’s kinda of Torah for the desert (like Christianism is a Torah for the Roman, German and Celts).

    Some Jews are persuaded that the Gaon of Vilna almost created the Golem but stopped because of a magic vision that doesn’t make much sense either. All religions answer profound aspirations while not to be taken too litteraly. Islam is not different than the other.

    Bruno

    January 4, 2020 at 3:27 AM

  12. So, what do Muslim, earthly women do in Paradise? Do they actually get there? How do they earn eternal life?

    ROBERT SYKES

    January 4, 2020 at 8:55 AM

    • It’s not clear. Maybe they get to have lesbian sex with the Houris.

      But women will get the other rewards of Paradise.

      Lion of the Blogosphere

      January 4, 2020 at 9:15 AM

      • Islamic women in paradise keep doing what they liked doing on Earth: loving their husbands.

        My 2¢

        January 4, 2020 at 3:12 PM

    • Growing up a friend of mine came from an Islamic household. His father told him that Allah took the Prophet up to heaven, gave him the grand tour. The place was great. Then He took him down to Hell, and Muhammad noticed a disproportionate number of women. The Prophet asked about the disparate impact, and God responded that women tend to go to Hell because they’re “ungrateful.” Women shoulnd’t complain too much because they’re liable to burn.

      Vince

      January 5, 2020 at 7:27 PM

  13. One simple life hack.

    Rosenmops

    January 4, 2020 at 5:34 PM

  14. Apparently, houris major in either communications or sports-broadcasting.

    raoulduke2767

    January 5, 2020 at 11:06 AM


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