Street justice
Layla ran out of the subway car and ran towards the exit. After she was out on the street again, she slowed down, and reflected on what had just happened. What started out as fear turned into a sort of exhilaration. She was strong, and she could kick ass! Those two guys got what they deserved. She dished out some street justice that obviously the New York City criminal justice system had failed at. Maybe now, they learned their lesson and won’t go around sexually assaulting girls who are just trying to take the subway home.
Lion of the Blogosphere 
*cringe* but I guess you bait your hook to catch your fish. And grrrl power sells.
fortaleza84
October 27, 2018 at 11:10 PM
The upcoming vampire ball sounds a lot more cringey than layla giving the smackdown to two homies.
toomanymice
October 28, 2018 at 11:19 AM
I’m having a hard time thinking about how to write the vampire’s ball.
Lion of the Blogosphere
October 28, 2018 at 7:36 PM
Layla ran out of the subway car and towards the exit. Once she reached the street and all seemed normal she slowed down and reflected on what had just happened. What started out as fear turned into exhilaration. She was strong, and she could kick ass! Those two guys got what they deserved. She dished out some street justice that obviously the New York City criminal justice system had failed at. Maybe now, they learned their lesson and won’t go around sexually assaulting girls who are just trying to take the subway home.
Just some suggestions… I write fiction myself and have to constantly check and make sure I’m using past tense… My only question is, is she really tough? I mean she’s a girl right?
Lazy Hero
October 28, 2018 at 1:29 AM
Layla ran out of the subway car and towards the exit. Once she reached the normalcy of the street she slowed down and reflected on what had just happened.
More brevity…
Lazy Hero
October 28, 2018 at 12:02 PM
Love how this blog is great for useful but egodisflating feedback.
Lion of the Blogosphere
October 28, 2018 at 1:04 PM
The inner dialogue and political commentary work for me.
toomanymice
October 28, 2018 at 2:45 PM
Brevity isn’t a good thing here. You want a longer book. Your youngish readers aren’t going to be too picky about syntax and tenses either. I just read a book where everything was in past tense *except* when the girl character was involved, then it used present tense. I still haven’t figured that one out.
CamelCaseRob
October 28, 2018 at 4:00 PM
While it’s better to have good writing, crap that’s written a lot worse has been read by tens of thousands, so story is king for this type of audience. Which doesn’t mean that the story is what people want to read, I have no idea. I would probably do better writing fan fiction where a plain looking regular girl gets into a hot romantic relationship with a member of a famous boy band.
Lion of the Blogosphere
October 28, 2018 at 7:33 PM
Hey Lion, you’re writing isn’t bad, I didn’t mean it that way. I’m working on a novel myself, Noire set in the old west, and I’m constantly re-writing for brevity, clarification, and as someone else suggested a single powerful word to replace multiple words. I think this is all part of writing.
Years ago I went to a book signing by James Ellroy in LA and he gave the best advice I’ve ever gotten for writing. He said write about the sheet you like because you will always keep writing. And I think this is very very true.
And remember, Hemingway said the first draft of everything is sheet. Yes, he was referring to his own work as well…
Good luck with your endeavor.
Lazy Hero
October 29, 2018 at 12:37 AM
Part of your novel?
destructure
October 28, 2018 at 2:16 AM
After pondering the events she resumed her stroll down the avenue, and realized she had failed to re-sheath her cybernetic laser canon zx9000 penis implant with which she had dispatched her assailants. Pausing to observe its full retraction, she returned on her way.
bobbybobbob
October 28, 2018 at 2:49 AM
Broke: Ghostbusters except with girls
Woke: Death Wish except with girls
IHTG
October 28, 2018 at 7:22 AM
I love that klaus expects her to be well versed in network security since she attended high school… LOL.
One thing I would watch for in your writing is redundancy. ie mere trivialities is redundant, since all trivialities are mere. And it’s better to use one stronger word than a series of weaker words. So ‘staggered’ is better than ‘walked in a clumsy way.’ I know that’s not from your writing but there are spots where you use multiple weak words that would be better served by a single strong word.
Excellent fight scene!
toomanymice
October 28, 2018 at 8:15 AM
Lion, please tell me that at some point Leyla is going to expound on the evils of value transference.
Also we need to see some beta male rage, a pervy vampire who tries to turn every conversation into a discussion about pubic hair, and a snobby antiquarian book collecting vampire from Quebec who thinks that sleeping in coffins, turning into bats and everything connected with vampires is ‘prole’.
Prolier Than Thou
October 28, 2018 at 9:41 AM
I’ve no doubt the comments section can provide fodder for the characters at the Vampire Ball.
Mike Street Station
October 29, 2018 at 6:18 AM
Fat man is angry that a woman got his desired parking space at a San Antonio all-you-can-eat restaurant (which he was about to send into bankruptcy) and in a fit of temper kicks her car. Young woman in the kicked car decides to play Supergirl and throws a punch at Stringbean. How’s that turn out for her?
https://www.liveleak.com/view?t=sEVFb_1539563990
Peter
ironrailsironweights
October 28, 2018 at 9:53 AM
Don’t you mean Butterbean?
ice hole
October 28, 2018 at 3:43 PM
Several women ran up to help those two nags. And I’ll bet 90% of women and 60% of men will take their side. But fat boy was technically the victim. The only thing he did wrong was to kick a random person’s car. Everything else he did was in response to their physically attacking him.
destructure
October 28, 2018 at 7:21 PM
Your writting talent is similar to my rinning talent. I’m above average and it was worth for the coaches to invest in me, but I’m not olympic or champion quality. I still enjoy running. You writing has a similar quality.
Yakov
October 28, 2018 at 10:26 AM
Perhaps, but just as there is a huge market for crack cocaine, there’s insatiable demand for stories about Strong Inependent Womyn Who Kick Ass. It’s funny that Lion of all people would sell out but I can’t really blame him.
fortaleza84
October 28, 2018 at 3:09 PM
Layla is a vampire so she has vampire super-strength. If she got into a fight with a male vampire, she would lose. But regular humans have no chance.
Lion of the Blogosphere
October 28, 2018 at 3:20 PM
“Layla is a vampire so she has vampire super-strength. If she got into a fight with a male vampire, she would lose. But regular humans have no chance.”
Perhaps, but you know perfectly well that’s not how your intended readers will process the story subconsciously. It’s obviously designed to appeal to the female fantasy of being able to kick a man’s ass. Which is fine, the best way to sell books is to pander to people’s fantasies and desires.
fortaleza84
October 28, 2018 at 9:38 PM
I don’t think it’s a female fantasy. Women want a man to protect them, they don’t want to protect themselves.
Lion of the Blogosphere
October 28, 2018 at 10:09 PM
“I still enjoy running.”
That’s because you’re wicked. The bible says so!
Proverbs 28:1 The wicked flee when no man pursueth.
destructure
October 28, 2018 at 7:28 PM
Layla? So she was trying to protect herself from muggers on the subway. Please don’t say she never found a way, and tell us all that violence was in vain. Come on, Lion. Ease our worried minds.
Maryk (the g-loaded guidette)
October 28, 2018 at 11:16 AM
Lol. When a girl does it, it’s strength and empowerment. When I punch a thug in the throat and kick him in the stomach it’s a crime. The media is full of conniving pussies.
Are you my daddy
October 28, 2018 at 12:06 PM
Not sure if you’ve read all the chapters, but layla risks getting vaporized for potentially exposing her fellow vampires.
toomanymice
October 28, 2018 at 2:39 PM
You have to learn rythym – needless syllables kill it. So, for example,
After she was out on the street again, she slowed down,
should be,
When she was … she slowed and …
Your model here is Richard Stark.
Commercial-residential
October 28, 2018 at 1:09 PM
I was thinking that myself. I probably would have written.
She dashed from the car and sprinted for the exit. As she reached the street and melted into the crowd so, too, did her fear. She was left only with exhilaration for what she had done. And for what she could do. She was strong, and she could kick ass!
***
Leon shouldn’t take this as a blow to his ego. He’s getting timely feedback from his readers. That’s a huge advantage for a writer.
My suggestion is to focus on making the plot and characters as interesting and entertaining as possible. Then go back afterwards and clean up the wording so it sounds better..
destructure
October 28, 2018 at 8:09 PM
Seeing an influence from “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” in there
Ava Lon
October 28, 2018 at 1:43 PM
I highly recommend picking up a book by Larry Correia called Hard Magic. You don’t have to read the whole thing, but early in the book there is an example of such an incredibly descriptive fight scene that you can visualize it in your mind. Very impressive piece of writing.
You’re writing should read like a screenplay. Imagine trying to adapt it toward a visual medium.
map
October 28, 2018 at 2:13 PM
No, Lion has it. Have you folks read what they’re publishing lately? He’s on his way to being a regular Jubal Hershaw.
Just be sure you publish under a female-ish name, like Dakota Truehart or Leslie Wilddotter.
Robert
October 28, 2018 at 3:07 PM
“Jubal Hershaw.”
Ha ha! Think you mean Jubal Harshaw. I wish I could be like him.
Lion of the Blogosphere
October 28, 2018 at 3:19 PM
Leona du Monde
Panther of the Blogocube
October 28, 2018 at 7:54 PM
She was strong, and she could kick ass! Those two guys got what they deserved. She dished out some street justice
Gurrrl Power!
Smartest Woman on the Internet
October 28, 2018 at 5:39 PM
Are you going to include sex scenes? I think erotic fiction is very popular, especially with women.
Tom
October 28, 2018 at 7:11 PM
If so, that means there will be the addition of a vampire pirate with an eye patch and a mysterious past.
Mike Street Station
October 29, 2018 at 6:21 AM
Or maybe lesbian or trans erotic fiction is a niche worth pursuing. There’s much less competition in those areas I would imagine.
Tom
October 29, 2018 at 4:06 PM
I have no clue how to write erotic lesbian fiction.
Lion of the Blogosphere
October 29, 2018 at 4:28 PM